confessions
by raffertysdonna
Summary: 'They've had this agreement for years, on and off. It had started after The Other Time, they just couldn't stop the flirting, the teasing, the touching.' Set pre-canon.


A/N:_ I just needed to get this idea out of my system because it was literally keeping me up at night. I hope you enjoy reading it. _

_Big thanks to my two lovely betas, Sydney and Elle. Without you two, this piece wouldn't be what it is and I never would've felt confident enough to post it._

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_confessions_

_._

Donna wakes up when she feels him shift behind her. They are lying in bed, it's past 3am and she feels groggy. She swallows dryly and feels for his retracting hand on her waist to stop him from pulling back entirely.

Harvey stops moving and sighs, "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." His voice is unusually deep and quiet. A moment passes in which neither of them moves. Donna opens her eyes slowly and starts to turn around.

He had meant to leave without saying goodbye, she realises, the reason being that _that_ hadn't gone well previously. It had brought some feelings to light that neither of them had been ready to face and had thus almost risked their agreement.

Her fingers curl tighter around his large hand instinctively which is still grasping her waist. Several beats pass, she can sense that this is exactly what he was trying to avoid but she can't help herself. She blames him fucking her relentlessly just mere hours before while looking at her with such adoration in his eyes, it had felt like something had changed.

Donna can barely make out the shape of him and thinks it's probably best they can't see each other properly. Donna's eyes are getting misty and she shivers slightly at the thought of him leaving her in the middle of the night again even though they had fought about it quite heavily just weeks before.

Each time they meet up, it leaves Donna feeling all over the place. She is starting to crave more of him and it's getting harder and harder to be intimate with him without showing too much of her feelings.

She sighs, murmuring, 'Harvey, stay.' He shakes his head slowly, she can immediately tell that nothing has actually changed and a wave of grief hits her unexpectedly. Her heart clenches and a strange feeling settles low in her belly. He still doesn't want to be with her, it's still the same old. He's attracted to her but emotionally unavailable.

"You know I can't, Donna," he says, without so much as looking at her. "This is not part of the agreement."

Donna swallows, feeling her own useless tears sting in her eyes. Harvey is right, of course, that this is what she agreed to; telling herself that it's better to have a piece of him than nothing at all, but now she's starting to realise what she had actually agreed to. She isn't sure she can do this for much longer. She craves more, whatever that is, while he just wants to release some tension and have a good time. Harvey Specter doesn't do feelings, he doesn't do romance, not with anyone. Donna releases his hands, her fingers retracting hastily. In an attempt to create as much space between them as possible, she scoots away from him, leaning against the headboard and pulling her knees up to her chin.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. You should go." She smiles at him unconvincingly. Her lip is quivering a little and she feels terribly exposed and vulnerable, physically as well as emotionally. It's a cold night and she's still naked underneath the covers. They both get up; Harvey doesn't look at her as he gets dressed and only addresses her just before he's about to leave the hotel room.

"Same time next week?"

Donna tightens the satin robe she had just put on around her waist. Trailing her eyes over his dishevelled hair, tired eyes and fading bite marks where his shoulder meets his neck, she knows she can't fully let him go, no matter what. Harvey leaving her after sex in the middle of the night, and every time without fail, hurts her terribly. But not having a piece of him at all would be even worse.

Donna can't meet his gaze now. Instead she pretends to be brushing her red curls out of her face and says '_yes'_ while turning around and heading for the bathroom before she can do something as stupid as grasping for his hand again and asking him to stay. She could blame exhaustion, but she knows it's the darkness revealing these parts of herself that she has become so very good at hiding in daylight.

Only when the door clicks shut does she allow herself to release the tears she's been holding back. She swallows bitterly and chokes back a whimper. This is nothing new, and she manages to pull herself together after a few minutes. She knows that what she's doing is self-destructive, but while Harvey is with her, she feels so alive and good, like nothing else matters. He is her drug and she's long admitted defeat to herself. Donna Paulsen doesn't pine after an emotionally unavailable man, except that she does.

The worst thing is, Donna knows that she will never tell him to stop. She'll gladly take whatever he gives and she can only pray that she will get over her feelings one of these days, especially since she knows they are unreciprocated.

They've had this agreement for years, on and off. It had started after _The Other Time_, they just couldn't stop the teasing, the flirting, _the touching_. She had tried to stay professional, but things never went back to the way they were before they had slept together. Them being back to normal was all pretend on her part and for someone priding herself in being able to read other people and to know them better than they knew themselves, she had no idea where to put Harvey. For months they had toyed with each other, the tension palpable when they stayed longer to have a drink in his office after everyone had left to go home.

One time they'd had one too many, fucked each other in Harvey's office and tried to brush it off, both of them blaming the alcohol in their system.

Only weeks later, the same thing had happened again. Harvey's eyes were almost black, his desire obvious not only on his face. Donna had been wearing a v neck navy blue pencil dress, which had driven him crazy all day, his focus hadn't been on the case he was dealing with, but on the freckles like constellations across her chest, the ones he had kissed only once before when they hadn't been working together. One thing led to another and they'd found themselves entangled again. Almost in a haze, he had ripped the fabric of Donna's dress to get lost in her again.

The next morning, Donna had walked into his office with the most serious face he'd ever seen on her and told him point blank that this could not go on, couldn't happen like this again under any circumstances or she'd quit. Harvey hadn't liked that idea at all, her leaving him was out of the question. He knew he couldn't be in a serious relationship, couldn't open up and offer Donna a future so he had come up with this _brilliant_ plan.

Ever since then, they had been meeting up about once a week and every time it was explosive. They didn't do tender, not like tonight when Donna had thought maybe, just maybe, something had changed. The sex was raw and rough and fast. He would get drunk on her and she on him. And after, he would leave. At first, they had met up at her place but after a few months, Donna had told him that she'd prefer to go to a hotel room, when she realised that sleeping in a bed she'd fucked Harvey on made her horny and lonely on those nights that they didn't meet up.

Donna doesn't go back to bed, as she usually would, tonight she feels far too upset to lay back down in the same bed that she and Harvey had had sex on just hours before. He couldn't even stay the night even though she had made her feelings about it perfectly clear. She thought they had an unspoken agreement about him not doing this anymore, but obviously he couldn't even give her this kind of comfort after all of these years. Donna goes back to her apartment, takes a scalding hot shower and goes to sleep in her own bed. It's only in the early hours of the morning that she finally finds some rest.

The week passes by slowly, nothing's changed and part of their deal had been to keep these two things separate. At work, they are just colleagues and they had both learned to deal with that. Donna watches him when she thinks he doesn't notice, listens to his intercom and he lets her. Their lines may seem blurry but they're perfectly clear, or so they both like to think.

When Donna arrives at their hotel room on Friday night, Harvey is already waiting for her grinning like a Cheshire cat. Donna looks nothing short of attractive and desirable in her La Perla lingerie, all cream and satin and red lace. It doesn't matter how many times they do this, he never gets tired of it. Sometimes she dresses up, other times she doesn't. It doesn't matter. Donna makes anything sexy and as long as he gets to kiss and devour her mouth and neck, as long as she arches into his touch when his palm caresses her breasts, he is okay. Pulling Donna closer to him, he makes quick work of her bralette and gets lost in her body, her moans and whimpers driving him on.

She is ridiculously wet as he slides two fingers inside her, her muscles contract around him almost immediately and he loves how responsive she is. Donna doesn't shy away from showing him exactly what she wants and how she wants it. She pants, and asks for more and he slips in another finger. He sets a steady rhythm with his fingers, strokes in and out of her until she is close to losing her mind. His other hand grabs the breast closest to him, pinches her nipple and presses her back into his body. Kissing her shoulder, his strokes become faster, his movements more desperate. They're both glistening with sweat, but he likes dragging this out, taking her to her limit and clearly marking her with his actions and his mouth. He is everywhere all at once, so when he finally presses his thumb on her clit and draws tight circles on it, she comes within seconds. Her whole body tenses and then shakes with aftershocks. She has to push his hands away because the sensation is too much.

She turns around and grabs his hard length and guides him inside of her where he comes and triggers Donna's second orgasm. They are both breathless and Donna teases him. "That sure must stroke your ego." Harvey's hands are holding her hips, and his fingers start drawing patterns on her arms. He chuckles. "Sure does, I know all your buttons."

Donna nods because he does, he's long figured out what makes her come and what drives her crazy, and vice versa. It's like an effortless dance between them.

He's never had to tell Donna a thing for her to know where his tender spots are (first, that spot below his earlobe, the one that makes her weak herself, and then she noticed that if she tipped her tongue into his belly button Harvey Specter would laugh which made her heart sing) and what drove him to the brink of sanity (when she brushes his cock over her lips and lets him take her head and thrust inside her mouth). Donna finally lifts herself off of him and he slips out of her. After a quick trip to the bathroom, she lays down next to him, her body buzzing but craving some rest. She feels herself doze off and doesn't fight it, it's been a long week after all and they had been at it for quite some time. Harvey's breath comes out evenly against her right ear and it's the last thing she hears before she drifts off.

.:.

Pulling her closer to him, Harvey lays with his left arm outstretched over her head, and his right hand settling just under her breasts. Feeling Donna stir and wake up, he lets his thumb and forefinger brush against the soft, buttery skin there as she exhales and melts into his touch without hesitation. After a moment of teasing her with barely-there flicks of his fingers, he puts his hand around her breast and rolls her nipple between his fingers, making her let out an unexpected whimper of pleasure.

Shifting under his ministrations, Donna feels his semi prod her back.

They weren't done for the night. Only their first hunger had been stilled upon fucking each other before they had dozed off for half an hour. She turns around and easily positions herself on top of him until he grabs her waist and brings her centre closer to his mouth.

After they are both completely spent, Donna gets up to look for her lingerie and clothes while Harvey stays in bed, half sitting and half lying, to watch her. Her hair is messy and curly, he thinks she looks ravishing like this; thoroughly fucked and marked as _his_.

When she sits down on the edge of the king size bed, she looks serious and a little melancholic. "So, I've been thinking." She closes her eyes for a second, wills herself to put on a brave face. "Maybe we should rethink our arrangement."

"What?" Harvey asks, confused. He takes a closer look at Donna, her body language suggests that she is uncomfortable, like she doesn't want to have this conversation in the first place. But there's a hard edge to her face, a defiant look in her eyes, her jawline sharp.

"Where is this coming from?"

"You know where this is coming from." She looks at him, silently pleading with him to not make her spell it out. They had been here before, the last time only two weeks ago, but the two of them were always scrambling to put the lid back on after revealing a little too much. She'd had her reservations about this agreement from the get go, and she was angry with herself for not only agreeing to this, but for letting it get to this point again. She gives him a small smile, he was just staring at her. Of course Harvey wouldn't know what to say. "Look, I like working for you and I don't want to risk it. While this agreement has served its purpose, maybe it's time we thought about other options. Don't you want to see what else there is?" She bites down on the side of her cheek and falls silent.

The only thing he comes up with is, "We have everything," thinking she wants to end their agreement and start dating other people again.

It hits her square in the chest and she can't help but snap back at him for being so ignorant. "No, Harvey, _you_ have everything." She blinks rapidly, this was not going well. It wasn't going anywhere at all and they would always end up here, she realises with unparalleled clarity. Donna gets up before he has a chance to say anything, or she reveals even more.

"So, you're saying you want everything?" His voice makes her halt halfway to the door.

Donna tenses visibly. He regrets asking the question as soon as it leaves his mouth. When Donna turns around, studying him for a moment, their eyes lock, but she is the first to avert her gaze. He's not ready for her answer. She knows he isn't by the way his chest heaves up and down. Harvey sits up, rubbing his clammy hands on the sheets and speaking up again, "Donna, you told me this wouldn't become an issue. You said —"

She cuts him off, "I know what I told you. But that was 3 years ago. Harvey, I only meant that we should rethink our arrangement." She walks back to the bed, sits down closer this time. "I told you I hate that you leave me when I'm asleep. It makes me feel cheap."

"And I told you it's for the best that I do." His words come out harsher than he intended them to, Donna looks exasperated.

"Why?"

"We have an agreement. To release the tension between us."

"No. What is it?" She knows there's more to this, he's hiding behind their agreement and for once, she just wants him to be honest.

"I —"

Donna studies him closely and dares to take a guess she's never uttered out loud before.

"I think it's because you are afraid of getting abandoned. Some twisted way of abandoning me so you won't be abandoned by me, isn't it?" Her voice is hard and soft all at once, trying to coax a response out of him.

At that, Harvey gets up, throws on his pants and a sweatshirt and refuses to meet her pleading gaze.

"Harvey, I won't leave you."

Donna gets up as well and reaches for him. Her hand touches his cheek and she can feel his 5 o'clock shadow rubbing her thumb over it softly. "Please, just let me in. For once."

When he finally meets her gaze, his eyes are bloodshot. "You were the one who made that stupid rule," he accuses her.

For a moment, Donna is confused. Then she remembers how she had told him that she wouldn't date men that she works with. That's how this whole thing had started in the first place, all those years ago. Harvey had come up with this _brilliant _plan to work around her rule and she'd agreed to it.

"That was before all of this," she defends herself, dropping her hand.

He doesn't even listen to her. "You told me you don't date men that you work with."

"I did. I do, but —" She is cut off by Harvey talking loudly over her.

"If I stay the night, it will lead to us having morning sex, eating breakfast together, doing what _normal couples_ do." What he says is raw and simple as his eyes flash with something that looks like longing. "I am playing by _your_ rules when I leave. You can't just tell me one thing but then say you want me to spend the night as well when you feel like it." Of course, hiding behind that rule has always made it easy for Harvey to play it safe when it comes to Donna, but it has also left him confused.

Donna looks at him in surprise. It sounds like he is also suffering. The terms of their agreement were simple, but they had been made years ago and neither of them had thought about what this would do to them in the long run.

Harvey is right though; she had only been concerned with keeping personal and business separate back then, but that had since changed. It was obvious she was looking for something more now. Still, she hadn't thought about how this could get personal really fast and violate their agreement. Whether she likes to admit it or not, she needed Harvey to remain in her life so desperately that it was the main reason she'd agreed to this affair. Hell, it was also the reason she had agreed to work for him again after _The Other Time._

Donna swallows hard, scared to find out where this conversation was going. "So, where does this leave us?"

"I don't know. You're the one who started this whole discussion, Donna," he huffs, deflecting. The thought of losing sex with Donna making his heart pound, but he is too much of a fool to try and salvage the cracks in their relationship. He can't risk it, can't risk them. He's said too much already.

That defiant look from earlier is back in Donna's eyes. "Do you want things to change?" Silently, she is hoping he will say yes, say he wants more with her too.

She doesn't want to put all her cards on the table just yet. The only thing she knows is that she needs him in her life in some shape or form and until now she had strongly believed that he didn't want to be with her. The way he talked about them having breakfast together eliciting something in her, she hadn't thought possible.

"I don't know, Donna," Harvey replies. "But what I do know is, I can't risk losing you."

"I told you that you won't. Change can be a good thing," Donna reminds him gently.

"So you're waiving your rule?"

"Has that rule really applied to us in the last three years?" says Donna teasingly, biting her lip.

Harvey automatically moves closer, his eyes staring at her bare lips. "Well, if you put it that way…" They both smile, and for a moment they dare to imagine what life could be like.

And that's when Harvey's heart starts beating faster. He knows that he wants Donna in his life, this push and pull between them having become a part of his daily life. She is his moral compass and he had vowed to himself to never find out what kind of lawyer he'd be without her. When he had taken that job at _Pearson Hardman, _the only person he saw himself taking it with was Donna. Harvey hadn't understood it himself, perhaps he still doesn't, but the thought of making this wild fantasy a reality, fucking it up and losing Donna as a result is enough to make him break out in sweat. And with his track record on top of that, anything is possible.

Harvey's not boyfriend material, the way his mum and dad's relationship had ended still makes him distrustful of actual relationships and how fast they can go downhill. He essentially lives at the office and likes it that way. He is ambitious and well on the way of making partner at the firm, thanks to Donna. She just gets him and he doesn't want to ruin what they have going at work. Donna is too important to him and he wants to keep her in his life permanently.

"Maybe I could move to Louis' desk, or even apply at another law firm," Donna thinks aloud and pulls Harvey back to their warmly-lit hotel room and the darkness outside.

"Hold up. I don't want you leaving my desk, you just said the rule doesn't matter."

"And it doesn't. I'm just talking about our options, Harvey. I would rather be _with _you than work for you," Donna reassures him while squeezing his arm. "But us working together and trying to build a new relationship is just a recipe for disaster. People will say things."

Even though she really wants to date Harvey _and_ remain his secretary, she's also not stupid. If she starts dating her boss, there will be gossip and it will inevitably put a strain on their relationship from the get go. That's why she had that rule in the first place, and while she's willing to try, she would still rather not do it if there are other options.

Harvey's thoughts are racing a mile a minute. From time to time, he'd imagined what life could be like, but Donna's policy about not dating men that she works with had always made him stop and suppress the thought. But if they decide to take the plunge, he fucks it up and ends up not even having Donna at his desk anymore, he'd never forgive himself.

"I don't give a damn what people say. I _need_ you to be working for me, with me," Harvey responds forcefully. The risk is too high and he's got a bad feeling about this. He's never been able to make relationships work and why should this time be any different? The agreement was safe, there were no expectations. It was mainly about getting the sexual tension out of the way for him so they could be an efficient team at work. After, he would leave. No strings attached. Occasionally, they would even see or date other people until it didn't work out and they started their weekly meetings again. Now, faced with Donna offering more, Harvey needs and wants her so badly that he's willing to opt for something non-physical, thinking it's the safest option in the long run.

She studies him, why is he fighting this? Before she can get to the bottom of it and do her Donna-bullshit on him, Harvey's next words wash over her like a cold chill.

"Maybe we should call this off altogether. I can't risk losing you." Donna isn't prepared for how much it hurts when he says he can't risk losing her as his secretary but implies that losing a whole relationship with her is bearable. Especially after she had just told him she would rather be with him.

Swallowing, Donna reaches for his hands but stops just before she touches him, "Harvey, you don't need to panic. We can make this work." But his gaze is distant, she can see him closing off. He thinks that he's doing the right thing, when really, he's being selfish. "Can't we?"

"Donna, it's late, we're both tired. Please just let it go."

"No, I won't. I saw that look in your eyes. We want the same thing." She hates that she is begging him to see what she is seeing. "I want you to have faith in me like I have faith in you, in us."

He doesn't deny wanting the same thing that she does, but stubbornly holds onto his words. "And yet I am not willing to put either of us at risk, and that's final." It's scary how right Donna was. He would rather abandon her than open up and make himself vulnerable if there is any chance that she would inevitably see and get hurt by the way he feels inside. _A boy still broken from his childhood, an inexperienced teenager when it comes to maintaining relationships and a man only committed to his work. _

Donna is stunned into silence, she wishes Harvey would open up and let her in. She knows that she could help, but Harvey shuts her out. He has always kept certain parts of himself from her and she cannot force him to be ready. The need to have Harvey in her life, whether it be as her friend, boss or lover, is so strong that she accepts him not being ready _yet._

Eventually, she nods and says, "I will see you on Monday then." Harvey doesn't move for a long time, causing Donna to lift her glassy eyes to look at him. She's never seen him look as stricken as when he whispers, "I'm sorry, Donna, I can't," and she knows he really means it.

"I'm sorry too."

The irony isn't lost on Donna that he only ends up losing her because he is unable to commit to her. He isn't ready to be with her in all the ways that are necessary. No matter how much longing on his part there may be, Harvey has a long way to go to become the man ready to give Donna, and himself, what they deserve.

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_A/N: Reviews are very much appreciated. xx_


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